Grief

Grief is a tricky thing.  It sneaks up when you don't expect it and smacks you on the side of the heart.

The other day I received a phone call about an award for Tyler and a request that I serve on a County Board.  One of my first thoughts when the call was over is "I need to call and tell Dad this.".  Dad served on the Benton Township Planning Commission, was a Marcellus Building Inspector and a volunteer firefighter.  He was involved and I knew he would be proud of me for this offer.  Then it hit me, I couldn't call Dad.  The loss swept over me as fresh as if it had just happened.  I miss my Dad.  

When Tyler's dad Bryan and his wife Kim took off in September to travel around the country and live in their trailer retirement they sold most of their possessions.  Tyler came home with several boxes and bags of things.  We were still in the middle of our home remodel and they were never unpacked.  

The other day we finally moved them up to his new room and started going through things.  I opened a box and this teddy bear was on top. I felt like I had been gut punched.  I audibly gasped.   I bought this bear for Bryan when we were newly dating.  He got mono our freshman year of college and had to go home to recover.  I bought this bear for him at that time.  He had it all through college and then when our boys were born it was in their room.  Frankly, I had forgotten all about it.   Seeing it really shook me up.  I can't believe he kept it all these years.  Honestly, I got rid of a lot of things from our time together.  We moved and did a lot of purging.  And, after a divorce you tend to not hold on to sentimental items.

However, Bryan moved several times after our divorce too.  He remarried and was by all appearances happy.  Why did he keep this bear?  It haunted me for days.  Since Bryan's death I've thought a lot about our time together.  After a divorce you tend to remember the bad.  You remember the reasons why you got a divorce.  You remember how much that person continues to frustrate you as you navigate the years of co-parenting while not together.  But since he passed away, the memories of the good have come back too.  Bryan was often very sweet.  Every week when we were in college he would buy me a single rose.  I love fresh flowers, and that single rose was an effort he took on a weekly basis, even though we were poor college kids.  He was big on giving cards, for all kinds of reasons.  He had a soft side that wasn't often shown to others.  The fact that he kept this bear, through our divorce, and all his subsequent moves, said he remembered those good times too - even though I frustrated him as much as he frustrated me.   

It's so weird to know the end of his story at such a young age.  It makes me look back and see things differently.  It's a very odd sensation.   None of us know the number of our days.  None of us knows what someone else is going through.  There are so many trite sayings regarding this, but they really are true.  My goal moving forward is to try and remember I don't see the whole picture.  I don't know what the other person is dealing with.  

Grief is a tricky thing.