I forgive you

 

“Go away and bother your wife,” I said grumpily.  I looked over at my husband Mark and got out of bed to get something to drink.  Walking into the kitchen I muttered, “why are you around so much?”.  I was speaking to my deceased ex-husband.

On March 31, 1990 I married Bryan at my home church in Benton Harbor, Michigan.  It was a beautiful wedding, with all the trimmings including the horse-drawn trolley to take the wedding party from the church to the reception.   We had dated since February, 1986 and had known each other for about 6 months before dating.  We met the 2^nd or 3^rd day at Central Michigan University.  He was sitting at a table in the cafeteria with a bunch of other people.  I knew one of the people, Mick, who was my cousin Glen’s roommate I had met the day before.  I decided to sit with Mick and introduced myself to everyone else.  “Bryan Laviolette” he said succinctly.  “I bet you spell it wrong”, I replied.  “My brother is named Bryan and he spells it correctly.”  “It’s Bryan with a Y” he responded, the right spelling.   We were part of a group of people who had just met and were getting to know each other.  We were all freshmen and didn’t know other people.  We became friends.  He dated other people, and so did I before we started dating each other.

Fast forward to 2023 and I’m wandering around my kitchen muttering about ex-husbands and death and frustration.  If you had told me I would deeply grieve my ex-husband if he died before me I would have laughed.  Bryan frustrated me like no other person alive.  He was a man secure in his opinion.  If he thought the sky was green, it didn’t matter how many people told him the sky was blue, he would insist it was green.  He had no problem letting you know what was on his mind, even if you didn’t want to know.  If you knew Bryan in real life you’re smiling right now, knowing this is true.  He was not a big “think outside the box” kinda guy, and I’m totally a “think outside the box” kinda gal.  He made me crazy. 

In December 2018 he passed away, very unexpectedly.  For the past month he had been battling some kind of illness and was in and out of the hospital near where he and his wife Kim were staying.  Finally he went to University of Tennessee and they diagnosed him with necrotizing pancreatitis.  They said it was the worst case they had seen.  Typically this is a drinker’s disease, but Bryan was never a big drinker, not even in college.  One evening I received a phone call from Kim telling me Bryan may not make it through the night.  WHAT???  I immediately made plans to take Tyler and Logan, our sons, down to Knoxville, Tennessee where he was hospitalized.  I called his Mom Jo Ann and asked if she would like to ride with us.  She was in her 80s and I knew there was no way she could drive herself down there and didn’t have the money to fly.  So the next morning we loaded up the car and headed down. 

Arriving at UT was very emotional for me.  My father had passed away in September of the same year.  He had been diagnosed with Stage 4 tongue cancer in 1990 and had a procedure at UT removing his broken and dead jaw bone and replacing it with a titanium plate.  I had made several trips to UT and walking up to the hospital brought it all back.  Fresh with the grief of losing my Dad, walking into that building was hard.  But, the urgency to get the boys to their Dad pushed me on.  We met Kim and her Mom Mary in the waiting room and one by one Kim took Jo and then Logan and Tyler back to Bryan’s room.  I had no expectations of seeing Bryan, so I was surprised when Kim said he wanted to see me.  She took me back, filling me in on his condition.  We walked into the room and I did not recognize the man in the bed.  He was deep into multiple organ failure at this point.  Kidneys, Liver, Bladder, Lungs, Pancreas… it was unreal the change in him.   I had seen Bryan last in October when he and Kim came to Dad’s funeral.  He was his normal self that day, so this was a total shock. 

In January or February of 2018 I received an email from Bryan saying he and Kim had decided to sell their stuff, buy a trailer and travel the country.  She had just retired from teaching and he could do freelance work from anywhere (he was a journalist).  I remember how angry I was reading that email.  It struck me as deeply selfish leaving all responsibilities behind.  While both our boys were out of high school, Logan was in college and Tyler was living with me.  Tyler has autism and cerebral palsy (and other things) and required daily help.  “I” didn’t have the luxury of just leaving responsibilities behind.  Bryan’s Mom Jo deeply depended on Bryan and she was devastated that he was taking off.  (I learned this later during our trip to and from Tennessee).  All that year Bryan was Super Dad, taking Tyler to baseball games, Logan to Cedar Point and doing all the things before they left on their adventure.  Logan didn’t understand it either, asking me “What about Tyler?  When do you get a break?”.  Their plans moved forward as they had an estate sale, gave tools to Logan, and sold their home.  In September they took their family to dinner and took a family photo in the parking lot as Bryan and Kim were leaving the next day.  Little did they know 2 ½ months later Bryan would pass away and that would be their last family photo. 

Bryan and I were married 9 years, but I had filed for divorce after 7 years. One thing I was always proud of, post divorce, is no matter how frustrated, angry, annoyed, irritated, etc. I was with Bryan (and I’m sure vice versa is true) we never put each other down or talked bad about each other in front of the boys.  We maintained a cordial and at times even friendly relationship, sitting together at school performances, sports and other events.  We were once interviewed for an article in a local publication about successful co-parenting after divorce.  HA!  Both boys’ graduation parties were held at my house, with Bryan, Kim and their family and friends attending.  After all, it’s about the kids, not us.  No matter how I felt, my marriage to Bryan resulted in these two amazing human beings and I am forever thankful for that. 

With that in mind, I walked into his hospital room and his face lit up.  He immediately started crying and reached for my hand.  “I can’t believe you came down here with the kids, and brought my Mom” he said.  He proceeded to fill me in on everything that was going on with him medically.  His father Glen had significant medical issues the entire time I knew him.  Glen spent the last half of his life in and out of hospitals.  It was shocking to see Bryan in the same condition.  He had been in the hospital before when we were married, fighting kidney stones since shortly after our wedding. But this, this was very different.  At one point we had to step out of the room while staff performed a few procedures.  Kim was telling me some things and mentioned he had not been that chatty for a while.  From past experiences I knew how people could perk up when a new person was there and then crash later.  I saw it many times with my Dad and Mark’s Dad who had passed away a few years earlier.  When we came back in the room Kim introduced me to Bryan’s nurse, saying I was Bryan’s friend.  “She’s not a friend,” he spoke loudly correcting her, “she’s my former wife.”  We both startled and I said, “Well, friend sounds nicer than ex-wife” and I sat back down.  Bryan wanted to hold my hand again and he looked at me intensely with his beautiful blue eyes and he apologized to me.  “I am so sorry for the things I did to you.  You had every right to be angry with me.  I wish I could change things.”  I agreed that I was very upset with him, but that it didn’t matter right now.  All that mattered was him getting better because his sons needed him.  It was the most intense communication between us we’d ever had.  Something deep in me cracked.  I gave him a kiss on his forehead when I left and told him to be nice to his wife because I knew he got cranky when he was sick.  I told him the boys would always be in touch with the Laviolette side of the family which was very small.   

We stayed at a nearby hotel and came back the next morning so the boys and Jo could see him again before we made the trip home again.  I felt wrong leaving, but Logan had college, Tyler had work, life was busy and other people were coming down to spend time with them.  When we said goodbye I said “God Bless You and Keep You Safe” which is what my Aunt Rhonda would always say.  It’s something I have continued to say in her memory.  We made the long drive back and Jo stayed at my house that night, going back to her home the following morning.  Jo and I had not been close since our divorce.  This gave us time to talk, really talk.  We cleared up some misconceptions and became friends again.  I’m so thankful for that.  I texted Bryan on the way home with a photo of his mom and the trip.  He said “I’m going to beat this thing”.   2 days later he entered hospice care.  We made arrangements for Logan to fly back down but the day he was supposed to fly, Bryan passed away. 

The memorial service was lovely and even though I was the “ex” I was treated very kindly by their church members.  It was so nice seeing friends from college.  They are part of my story as well as Bryan’s.  Some of his high school friends were there too, and it was nice catching up with them as well.   The days went by.  My focus was on the boys.  How was I going to help them heal when I was grieving for my Dad, who had lived a long life, when their Dad passed away at 51, far too young.  Christmas was somber for all of us.  My heart ached. 

January arrived and I fell into a deep funk.  I cried, and cried.  Something about his death opened the locked compartments in my heart and mind and memories kept flooding back of good times we had while dating and married.  I remembered things I had kept buried since our divorce.  I was angry even more about their adventure.  If he had been home he would have had better care. I was angry that he died and left me to pick up the pieces.  I had no idea how to navigate this.  There are no “how to” books for the ex-wife.  I even considered talking to his pastor up here who had also gone down to visit him in the hospital in Tennessee.  I had so many questions with no answers. 

Time went by, and life went on.    When we were first married our house was on this pretty tree-lined street.  If we saw each other in the cars we would flash our lights 3 times.  We worked different hours as he worked nights or early mornings depending on his shift at the newspaper and I worked a traditional 8-5 job.  We would pass each other often, sometimes stopping in the road, windows rolled down, talking to catch up.  Remember, this is before the days of cell phones!  Yes, the dark ages.   One night I had a vivid dream that I was driving down the road and a car coming at me flashed the lights 3 times.  I pulled over and got out.  It was Bryan in the other car.   I clearly remember asking him “Why are you here?”  He smiled wryly and said he had some things to talk to me about.  We talked about the boys, and he said he would be watching over them.  We talked about us briefly and he said he needed to go.  He stood there in his familiar Dockers, Sperry deck shoes and purple polo shirt.  He put his hand in his pocket and started jingling his keys in his pocket.  I had totally forgotten he did that, but the action was immediately familiar.  He said he would see me again and left.  I woke up, tears streaming down my face.  The next morning I told Mark about the dream, really confused by it but also comforted. 

Then in April 2020, right in the height of the Covid-19 Pandemic, Logan had a widow-maker heart attack.  He was out on a mountain bike trail and blacked out.  Somehow he got up, walked back to his car and drove home.  He called me and said he had an asthma attack.  I told him to go right to the hospital.  Thankfully he listened to his Mom and they performed a heart catheterization to break up the blockage.  I jumped in the car to head to Lansing to be with him.  I raced down the road and then it hit me.  I couldn’t get in.  They wouldn’t let me in the hospital.  I was helpless.  I drove home and fell apart in the driveway.  When I could speak again, I said out loud to Bryan that he better be keeping his word and be there with Logan since I couldn’t be.  The doctors and nurses at Sparrow Hospital were amazing.  They did the best they could with a crazy situation, calling me frequently with updates, to get intake information, health information, etc.  His age and physical condition is what saved his life.  It turns out he has a blood condition that runs in his Dad’s family.  I had no idea.  But, Logan survived and came home.  I was angry that Bryan hadn’t told me about this condition.  The fact that I learned the information from Jo made Logan’s treatment more effective, so that was good.

Not long after that Bryan started showing up in my dreams again.  Often he didn’t speak to me, but he was there, in a crowd or a background character in whatever crazy dream I was having.  He kept checking in.  I have very vivid dreams.  I’ve also had deceased people visit me in my dreams before.  Most of them made me smile, some like a visit from my Dad, were just confusing.  (I asked Dad why he was in my dream and he said “I don’t know”.  Nice.)  But no one kept showing up over and over again like Bryan.  Sometimes we would talk, although I usually didn’t remember most of what we talked about.  Then things started happening during the day.  A song would come on that was connected to him.  A memory would flash in my head.  I would see people who looked like him all the time.  It was getting ridiculous.   I believe the veil is very thin between this world and the next and I believe sprits stay involved with us even after they pass away.  I believe there are things going on all around us that we are unaware of because we have not developed the ability to see or sense them.  It’s comforting but this was getting ridiculous.  I thought more about Bryan after his death than I did for years after our divorce.  Then I had the dream where I told him to go bother his wife and leave me alone.

Several of my friends are acquainted with a guy who is a psychic.  He started doing phone readings and I was gifted a reading by a friend.  I had zero faith that he would have anything meaningful to say.  I mean, over the phone?  I had never had a reading and was being very careful not to give anything away to influence the experience.  I’m also very wary about anything dabbling into the spirit world, which I believe in.  Billy spoke quickly and confidently and said there was a man coming through very strongly.  He said the man was quite forceful about being heard.  He said the man wasn’t a parent or grandparent but was somehow family.  He said there was something odd about it though and asked if a man about my age had passed away.  He also said the man wanted to talk about my boys and he was quite concerned about them.  I said yes, that sounds like someone I know.  He then said the man kept saying he was sorry and that when souls pass over they see the whole picture of their life, not just their viewpoint.  He said the boys would be okay but to keep an eye on Logan because he was going through a lot of stuff.  He had words about Tyler too, but the focus of the reading was feedback from Bryan.  Not my Dad.  Not my Aunt Rhonda.  Not my dear cousin Danette.  Not my cute little Grandma.  My ex-husband is who “came through”.  He even said the man told him I was “stuck with him”.   Our “song” was Stuck With You by Huey Lewis and the News.  We had broken up and got back together several times during the 4 ½ years we dated prior to marriage and said the song described our relationship.   I ended the call with Billy and I was flabbergasted.  What had just happened?

I decided it was time to communicate back.  So, when I would think of Bryan, I would talk to him.  I said all the things I never said when he was alive.  How disappointed I was in him.  How deeply he hurt me.  I told him I was mad at him for dying and leaving me to figure out how to navigate Tyler’s life.  I told him he needed to help Logan and I was so worried about Logan.  I vented.  I yelled.  I cried.   And, I remembered.  One day I had a flash vision of Bryan laughing.  A belly laugh full of joy.  It was a memory from long ago.  Memories.  So many memories came flooding back, but I started to notice as time went by that the memories were good memories that made me smile.  I had fewer bad memories as the new ones came flooding in. 

Along the way his Mom Jo passed away.  The boys would go see her occasionally as I had promised, and I went with them several times.  She was injured in a car accident and ended up at a rehab facility and we went to see her there.  The last time I saw her Jo told me she loved me.  I don’t think she ever said that before.  She wasn’t a warm and fuzzy kind of person and emotions were not discussed.  I hugged her and told her I loved her too.   It’s interesting to me that I haven’t had a dream about her or Bryan’s Dad Glen.   They lived a very different life from my family, with their boat and cottage up north and such.  We had a lot of fun times over the years and I genuinely liked both of them.  Of course the divorce changed the relationship but I always respected them.  I had attended Glen’s memorial service but left afterward, not going to the dinner.  I felt uncomfortable doing that but I was glad I went.  It would be nice to see them again, even if it’s in a dream.

As time passed I realized my feelings had changed, a lot.  I had deep wounds in my heart from things that happened during our marriage.  I thought I had worked them out in therapy but they had come back, and then went away.  I had the weirdest sensation that Bryan and I had communicated more and had done a lot of healing.   Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.  But, it’s how it feels.  I realized I could look back at memories and laugh and enjoy the memories and I wasn’t remembering the bad times.  There were times I felt his presence in the room, or I would think I heard his voice but no one was there.  I have no doubt he was checking in.

It's so interesting to me, to have this kind of healing AFTER his death.  I don’t understand it but something healed.  Don’t get me wrong, if he was still alive I’d probably still be irritated with him.  But, you know, despite everything that happened between us, I never hated Bryan, and he gave me good reason to do just that.  I’ve come to have a much better understanding of why he may have done some of the things he did.  The anger is gone.  It’s replaced by a sadness for the young girl who cried on her honeymoon.  But, I also am starting to see why he made some choices he made.  He was a victim of his own head games.  I also had to admit that I stood in the basement of the church the day we got married and had a moment of panic thinking I couldn’t go through with it, that I didn’t love him the way that I should.  It was true, I didn’t.  I realized that when I fell in love with my husband Mark.  I saw the things that had been missing from my relationship with Bryan.  No matter what though, I’m forever grateful to him for our sons, our miracles. 

So, Bryan, I forgive you.  You were doing your best, I see that now.  Thank you for being so persistent in making contact from the other side. I don’t understand it, but I feel it.  I forgive you.  I give you permission to pop in and say hi every now and then but please pester Kim, not me.